It's throwback Thursday and I'm feeling a bit nostalgic mixed with determination. As one does when one has a blog and happens to be an author, this means I need to write it out.
As most of you know, I'm a widow and have been for ten years now. My daughter is a sophomore in college and my son is entering his senior year in high school in two weeks. There's been a lot of pressure on me recently to "do something different" with my life and "leave Colorado." It's been frustrating me because this pressure is something I've heard before...in fact, it's been a constant echo in my life and I'm DONE.
I'm done explaining my choices to others. Listen, I heard my husband's last breath while my small children screamed, "save daddy" over my shoulder. I parented those same kids through trauma and grief. I've made every single decision regarding this house, their schooling, their discipline, my career, and my time all alone. I'm still standing. I'm accountable to no one. Back off.
I'm done feeling inadequate for not dating. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be an only parent and a solopreneur on top of that? Yes, I know your friend of a friend's husband died around the same time mine did and now she's remarried and honeymooning in Rome. Good for her. Yes, I know the woman at your salon divorced only a few years ago and is now engaged. No, there's nothing wrong with me. No, I'm not damaged beyond repair. I'M BUSY! I have other priorities right now and dealing with man-drama isn't on the list.
I'm done holding myself back because of 'family obligations' that in reality have nothing to do with me or my two children. Too often in my life it is this extended family that has been the first to undermine my confidence and scoff at my ambition. I'm done. Finito!
I'm done being sad over what-ifs and should have beens. I'm one of the lucky ones who knows what true love feels like. I live in a gorgeous state with an amazing view outside my window. I am living my dream. I have raised two very good and responsible children. I have hilarious pets that keep me entertained on a daily basis. I'd say that that's all pretty damn spectacular!
I'm done trying to fit into a mold that has never belonged to me. I'm an author--the normal ship sailed long ago without me. I've been writing stories since I was nine-years-old. I don't want the cubicle slash commuter life. I never did. Yes, I live on the edge with my freelance lifestyle, but so do many people. I'm not alone. I'm simply walking a different path, which is healthy. As a writer, I battle self-doubt on a regular basis--I honestly don't need to keep doing this to myself by wondering if I "can make it." I'm embracing who I am and what I do.
I'm done thinking about people I considered friends who chose to leave my life. Hey, I'm a lot of fun. I'm interesting, deep, chaotic, and a little bit wild. Your loss if you couldn't walk with me when I've been broke, sick, sad, uncertain, or if my opinions were too passionate for you. Adventures yet to come wait for me and it's too bad you won't be along for the ride. I'm sure I'll have fun anyway.
I'm done neglecting my health by using my work or my kids' schedules as an excuse. There's always enough time--unless I die from putting my health on the back burner. After all, I'm the boss of my life in every area--who's keeping track? I've been slammed with health issues over the past year. Yes, Universe, I hear you! You can stop with the scare tactics now. I get it. Off to Zumba I go!
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